I remember getting my first in 1986. Her name was “Clone”, fully equipped with an enormous pair of 10 meg hard drives, all natural. She had beautiful CGA graphics, and she was the one who would eventually break my cherry. You never forget the first one! She let me see the world like no one else when I discovered “Empire” by Interstel.

I began shopping for more games and came across a myriad of interesting ones, but some of them were exclusive to “Mac”. Everyone was talking about this chick. Who in the world was she? People were raving about how beautiful she was. How versatile she was, especially for graphically inclined fun. However, I later found out she didn’t speak DOS like “Clone” did. Was she an immigrant trying to get her Visa by hooking up with a guy like me? Why couldn’t she speak the same language as “Clone”? Was this another “Tower of Babel” prank by the almighty because it bored him to manage six billion employees as CEO of the world’s largest multinational?

It often frustrated me when my “Clone” didn’t understand a game I wanted to purchase. She just didn’t speak that language, but on the box, it said that “Mac” would understand. One day, at the store, I saw her for the first time. She was biting into a beautiful apple and I have to say; it was love at first site, the minute I laid eyes on Mac. The rumors were true! She was high maintenance and very expensive, but she was worth all the money in the world. Later on, though, I realized few games interested her. She only understood that one game and most of the others were Chinese to her. She was more into serious applications like Avid and Final Cut Pro. She was possessive, so I had to dump “Clone”.

When my son turned 6, I wanted to introduce him to strategy and puzzle games. I loved “Mac” so much, but she just didn’t cut it when it came to having fun. Against my will, that’s when I began to swing both ways and brought home a “Pentium” without telling Mac. “Pentium” was sexy but she was a little whore, surfing the net, always getting infected with viruses. That’s something “Mac” would never do. One day, “Mac” heard rumors about Pentium when she heard my son talk about a game he had been playing with her. She became erratic and was never the same again. She began having seizures, intermittently shutting down until six months ago when she had multiple seizures, and fell into a coma.

I panicked, I mean, I loved her so much. She was the love of my life! She had been so faithful to me, always there when I needed her, rendering monster files on Avid, without ever “jamming” something only she could do. Delirious, I trekked the city checking emergency room after emergency room, but with the Covid Virus filling up hospitals like rodents fill up an abandoned basement, I got discouraged and left. I was tormented and felt extremely guilty!

Finally, a friend referred me to a specialist. One of the best neurosurgeons in town who vetted her thoroughly. He recommended an MRI to make sure, but he suspected brain damage to the Motherboard and sclerosis of the nervous system, causing the graphic card to shut intermittently. He also confirmed the seizures were caused by Myoclonic epilepsy, and it was congenital. I couldn’t believe my ears! Congenital! They had made her this way! I was convinced they had manipulated her DNA to experiment on her! How awful! The doctor hooked up my “baby” on life support until the diagnostic would be in, in two days.

Meanwhile, I inquired with other specialists about how I could fix the problem and all of them told me I was better off disconnecting her and finding a new one because rehabilitation could cost almost as much. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. One specialist even went as far as telling me not to get another one, because in reality, she was just a glorified version of my ex, with a much higher price tag. He said she’s the same as all the others. She’s not special! They want you to think she’s special, so you spend your hard-earned dollars, but you can get something better for a lot cheaper. That’s what he said, I swear to you!

He compared her specs to some other gals and proved to me I could find myself a sexier one at a better price. It flabbergasted me. My phone rang, and it was the doctor. He told me she was hanging by a thread, but even before he was about to ask me the question... I told him to disconnect the “B****”!

I had her cremated and told no one how she died until today.