Seriously, Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out is STILL one of the greatest games ever created. Don’t believe me? Well, why don’t you shut up and read below genius?

What happened to the beautiful simplicity of the earlier games? I could make a list a mile long, but Mike Tyson always brings a tear to my eye and a small lisp to my mouth when I imitate the champ’s iconic (Mikey’s) voice. There’s just something fascinating about a guy with a lisp, that speaks in a whisper, that can uppercut you so hard that it forces Zeus: The Almighty God of Thunder into imbuing him with lighting surges of power and speed out of fear of retribution.

What makes Nintendo’s Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out so memorable? For me, it’s nothing more and nothing less than how real the game is to its own identity. It doesn’t pretend to be anything more than what it claims to be. There’s a small spaghetti-armed little fighter from Jersey that needs a stool to take a leak, facing up to opponents that literally take up half the screen. He’s an outgunned, outsized, weak, talentless goofball that could never do pull-ups or put the basketball through the uprights in gym class. He’s YOU! You Milktoast softy!

We’ve all encountered Bald Bulls in our lives. Bullies, whom we have no chance against. The jackass that has some weird power over you that you could easily overcome if you just had nothing more than a tank and intercontinental ballistic missiles. In other words, there’s just no chance you can dish out the ass whooping that the Baldy deserves with your current resources. Those days of Mountain Dew and DnD didn’t pan out into the superhuman abilities you’d hoped for.

…Ahhhhhh, but here’s where the simple beauty of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out is found! You get to use YOUR best abilities to take down monsters. You can find their weaknesses and dismantle them piece by piece. You can catch them off guard and throw a quick counterpunch making them see stars and rewarding you with some of your own. See what I did there?

This allows you to punch ole Bald Bull so hard his testicles burst out his slumpy forehead and into the stratosphere to dwell in the heavens circling the earth for eternity with all the other useless junk - pun intended - up there.

Each opponent in this wonderful game has his own special abilities and inherent weaknesses. It’s short and to the point. You get EXACTLY what you came for each and every time. You’re rewarded with belts and accomplishments. When you get your ass handed to you to tap ABABABAB like a psychopath that all your dirty teenage years alone prepared you for. No normal human on earth could attain that level of wrist speed and consistency without a LOT of practice, hahaha!

In the end, all your dedication to the unmentionable arts paid off for something after all. Young Mac springs back to life with renewed health and vigor allowing you to stand up once again to your foes! Yes, I’m talking about the game here fellas… Geez, stay with me. You get another chance to deliver the ass beating you came to dish out! It reminds us of the strength of the human spirit and the ‘NEVER SAY DIE’ tough guy in each of us. I mean, after all, you’re still here, aren’t you? I’ve provided you with a verbal shellacking to test your resolve and you stayed with me until the end.

Now, shut your face, get back to the controller, and dish out the ass whooping you know you're capable of… and “Join the Nintendo Fan Club today!"